It has been a long end of summer for our family. With Finnie's seizures and my mini- stroke, we were advised by doctors to stay home and pretty much do nothing. Holding a baby in a recliner all day leaves quite a bit of time for reflection.
It was so hard to hold Finn as she struggled to catch her breath while her body jumped and shifted from side to side. Her infantile spasms got to the point that they would flip her body over and roll her across the bed. I felt so helpless and there was nothing that I could do. It was nearly impossible to console her and sometimes she would cry for hours at a time. All I wanted to do was make it better or let her know that we were doing all we could to figure out her medication so that the seizures would eventually stop. But how does one communicate that to a 7 month old? I found myself asking the Lord why I couldn't have the seizures instead. Or what I could do for Him to spare her this pain and discomfort. A lot of tears and a lot of prayers, I'm sure the Lord was weary of my asking.
My Neurologist had ordered test after test to figure out why I am at risk for a stroke and the appointments were difficult with a baby who was so sick. I knew that the seizures would be scary for someone babysitting my little Finnie because they didn't know if they were the same or worse or if they should call the doctor. Thank heavens for a sister who lives so close and could come with us to the hospital. Thank heavens for friends who stepped up and held her while she cried and arched in their arms. Their faces showed nothing of worry but that of love and compassion. Their calm demeanor gave me the confidence to leave her, knowing that she would be well taken care of. Thank you...
Now with only one test left for me- that dreaded MRI, my faith is in the doctors to find the cause of the TIA and help to prevent a stroke in my future. At 36, one doesn't think they would be talking about a stroke, unless it was for their aged parent. But reality is- I'm pretty stressed out and I finally have to admit that I may be reaching my emotional limits from time to time. I need to rely more on the Lord because He is the only one that is constantly with me. He is with Finn also and as this last week has passed, I have heard her little coos and squeaks come back. Her neck muscles have started working better and the seizures have finally become undetectable. She is smiling and trying to giggle again. The medication is working!
The Lord is always with us. I feel Him there. He gives me strength even when I feel alone and scared. Looking back over these past few weeks, I am grateful for the tears and opportunity to pray to Him. I am thankful for my blessings, especially that of my children and family. Finnley teaches us all daily and I can't even remember what our family was like without her. It was lacking - I sensed that but didn't know how to change it..
What a blessing she is and such a wonderful gift. I recognize my trials as blessings even though they are not pleasant. We learn who we are through the "refiners fire". We also learn how to relate to people who are MUCH worse off than we are and look for ways to help them. There is change on the horizon for us and more trials daily but there is also a strength we can tap into that a lot of people are missing. I am grateful for this tine of reflection. Now let's get our health on track and move on!